Not Going “Home”

This weekend is my High School Reunion.  As I’ve previously posted, I’m going to mine.  I’ll admit, I’m a bit anxious but I’m mostly looking forward to seeing people, reconnecting in a way that’s impossible to do via online chats and Facebook. I’m eager catch up, soak in  that nostalgia, to see those places, cruise through town (maybe even go by Sonic-only on the ‘cool side’)

I’ve also had a surreal feeling about the whole thing.
It’s Homecoming, but for me…I won’t be going Home.   I won’t be returning to the house I grew up in (the same house my Dad grew up in), I won’t be staying in ‘my’ room, won’t warp back to a time where we all had curfews.  I’m a visitor now, and while the fact isn’t new at all, it’s still one I’m adjusting to.

To be honest, I’m a bit nervous about passing the house.  “The Big House” as MeMe calls it.  I’m afraid it will be similar to a wake, where what you’re seeing is so close to your memory, but the life is gone leaving behind just a shell.  I’m scared about seeing it that way, while also a bit afraid of having a rush of memories flood my mind all at once.

"The Big House" (isn't it pictiuresque?!?) Those three windows on the second floor were my room. During the holidays it looked just like an image from a Christmas Card.

Many families move.  I’m not disillusioned into thinking that this is only something that affects me.  However, a factor that makes my feelings more complex, is that my own family’s history and the town are forever connected.  My relatives founded it.  A school, a number of businesses and a main thoroughfare all had my last name (some have since changed, but others- inluding the street and my Dad’s store- remain).  We didn’t run the place, but I’d say we were prominent citizens.

It’s not that I’m merely returning to memories but also family history; a history I feel disconnected with at times.
I rarely visit now.  My dad has since moved.  We are all in different places.  There are moments I feel a tinge of guilt for not being more present, but you can’t be present in the past.


About Bec

I'm a gal who believes "Food is the Most Primitive form of Comfort" Have plenty of dishes to serve up, but one thing's for sure, I'm always
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2 Responses to Not Going “Home”

  1. Audreya says:

    My grandparents’ house in IL is on the market. As soon as it is sold, my parents’ IL house will go on the market. My parents’ have been living almost full time in AR for 2 years, but didn’t want to sell out until the grandparents have sold and gotten a place down here. The realization that a class reunion is about the only reason I’ll have to return to my hometown is weird. I mean, where will I stay? A hotel? My friends’ parents? My life is here – I don’t feel any sort of homesickness for my hometown… but knowing someone else will live in ‘my’ house and in my grandparents’ house… super strange.

  2. LaTonya says:

    I don’t think I’d know how to act, or react to not being able to go “home,” to my parents house.

    Several years ago, my grandparents house, on our family estate, was blown away by a tornado. My grandparents had passed on before then, but my mom and her siblings kept utilities on, and visited often.

    The house has been replaced, and we hold our family reunions there every year. So we still have that connection. Not being able to go “down home” would be a sad day.

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