Time.

The Secret of Life Is Enjoying the Passage of Time–James Taylor

I’ve found myself thinking a lot about time lately. 
How quickly moments, minutes, months and years pass us by.
Events that happened years ago can be so vivid in our memories, while yesterday is a blur. 
A moment can simultaneously feel eons away and so close.

Six years ago today I lost my Mother.

I’ve experienced a myriad of feelings the past few days and weeks. 
This year, like all the ones before, has been different from the others. I was aware the date was approaching.  I sensed it.  I felt myself slightly more on edge than a normal day, but not on pins and needles and as thinly fragile as before. 

During one conversation, my best friend commented on the matter.  She would know, she knows my emotional Richter scale better than almost anyone else.  When my mother passed away she stopped her life to be with me.  She’s seen my highs and lows, so her comments speak truth.  “You’re better this year.  Your low month isn’t your low.  You’re confident.  Your mom would be proud.”

For the most part, she was right.

I won’t tell you things are all unicorns, rainbows and puppies, they aren’t.  I think about my mother every single day.  More so around holidays, and late August.  I long to tell her my accomplishments, to seek her wisdom, to be there. The only way I can describe that pain is the sound of an infant’s cry.  The fear, the longing, the needing comfort–that sound, is how my pain feels.  Sometimes it comes when I am celebrating experiences with others, that I won’t be able to share with her (weddings, children, job news) Other times it happens for no other reason than I miss my mom.

Both my brother and I at different times have said we believe our mother’s top priority was to see both of us graduate, and move on to college.  She was never supposed to make it that far.   We had years more than we were expected to have.  But she was determined, and God had his plan. 

I had my mother just over 22 years, (my brother was 19) and while that is such a short time, it is a world more than many have, and for that I am overwhelmed, and blessed.  I know many who don’t have a strong relationship with their parents, or one at all for that matter.  My brother and I never once questioned how loved we were/are.  We always had our parents support, and trust.  We were a strong unit with a structured home.  As a child, I assumed everyone’s life was much like mine, just with different people.  As an adult, I’m becoming increasingly aware that’s not always the case.  This humbles me.   It makes me treasure memories and experiences so much more.   It’s what’s shaped me to the person I am, and who I strive to be.

In the grand scheme of things, 22 years isn’t an awful lot of time.
But it is plenty of time to pass on important lessons, to teach manners as well as right and wrong, to instill  values, all while providing the best example of Grace I could ever imagine.

Today I have mourned.  I’ve shed tears.
I have also felt so blessed.  So lucky.  So loved.

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About Bec

I'm a gal who believes "Food is the Most Primitive form of Comfort" Have plenty of dishes to serve up, but one thing's for sure, I'm always
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5 Responses to Time.

  1. Sarabeth says:

    You are loved. Even by those of us who’ve only known you for a little while…

  2. erniebufflo says:

    I’m sure she is so proud of you, and loves you so much. Hugs to you, new friend.

  3. Savannah B says:

    I love that you were able to articulate such a complex set of emotions.

    You are loved. It’s true. 🙂

  4. Cynthia says:

    I too miss your mom, the best friend of my life, not just on “the” day but all days. Maybe not always in conscious thought but in a vague emptiness as no one fills the void losing her caused. She would be (I believe “is”) proud of you. I am too. Love you.

  5. Janet says:

    Rebecca–
    Great writing- and so open and honest and touching. Thank you for sharing it – you remind us of how blessed we are. You are indeed fortunate to have had the 22 years of unwavering love and the stability and security that Beth’s guidance/love provided. You make us all proud.

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